Inspirational quote by Mother Teresa “Intense love does not measure, it just gives.”
One might presume that the quote by Mother Teresa refers to her love of God and the people she selflessly helped. However, with Valentine’s Day less than a month away we will focus on unconditional romantic love. The euphoria of falling in love is known to all who have been through it, but where does that amazing feeling come from? Apparently there is an definite and measurable chemical response in the body as shown in the the following excerpt about the brain’s reaction to love.
Romantic love tends to light up the same reward areas of the brain that are activated by cocaine. But new research shows that selfless love—a deep and genuine wish for the happiness of others—actually turns off the brain’s reward centers.
“When we truly, selflessly wish for the well-being of others, we’re not getting that same rush of excitement that comes with, say, a tweet from our romantic love interest, because it’s not about us at all,” says Judson Brewer, adjunct professor of psychiatry at Yale University now at the University of Massachusetts.
…via Selfless love turns off brain’s need for reward – Futurity
We have the science for selflessness associated with that loving feeling. What about selflessness that comes from a darker area. Sometimes even when a partner would really desire to satisfy the needs of their loved one, they may not be getting a clear message about what those needs are. This may steam from their partner not feeling deserving and thus not making their needs known, which may in turn lead to resentments that their partner is not supporting them. The excerpt below looks at the psychology of this paradox.
Why would people want to withhold what they need from their partners? It may come from feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing, or a deep-rooted humility, such that people don’t feel they deserve to have their needs met. It may come from an aversion to creating obligations or expectations, wanting the relationship to develop, grow, and prosper naturally, without either partner pushing in one way or another (for instance, by openly expressing needs). Also, It may come from a nurturing nature, wanting to care for others rather than be cared for. Any of these (and more) may lead people to hold back expressing their needs; in what follows, I’ll focus on people with feelings of inadequacy or self-loathing, who simply do not feel their needs merit concern, and feel bad or guilty asserting them.
This may help explain why people with feelings of inadequacy (and their long-suffering partners) often have problems with relationships—they have needs like everybody else, but they’re not comfortable asserting them. It may be because they don’t feel worthy enough or that their needs are not important, that they shouldn’t impose their needs on their partners, or they may even deceive themselves into believing they don’t have needs at all. Of course, this frustrates their loved ones; they care about their self-loathing partners, so they want to help them and fulfill their needs, but they often don’t know how.
…via Self-Loathing and the Paradox of Selfless Love | Psychology Today
With those two insights in to the meaning of selfless love we help you’re better prepared to enjoy the unintentional satisfaction that comes from unconditionally loving others.
