Dating is always seen as one of the most exciting things in the world. Hollywood movies set the romantic scenes with flowing water fountains, angelic white doves and a star street performer serenading Frank Sinatra or Norah Jones songs faintly in the background.
Let’s just say reality is not quite the same picture! Don’t get me wrong- I’ve been on “that” date … Though my story was not quite as romantic! The water fountain in my story was always a brown, smelly puddle gargling on its own water; the doves (actually pigeons) that decided to share its delightful white wet mess on me or my date; and the street performer was likely an overly enthusiastic elderly gentleman playing the bagpipes (I will be generous to say that this was probably a new hobby as the “noise” was atrocious!). Welcome to reality!
I like dating- I am just not very good at it. Maybe I am just trying too hard.
Food Porn – Cheese Platter
One time, I met this incredibly handsome Swiss guy on a night out, who STILL called me a few days later after I introduced him to my “intoxicated white wine and tequila shots” self. So, on our first “date”, I decided to show him the “I can be a wholesome girl” persona and invited him back to my house for a four-course meal. I consider myself a pretty good cook and to make him feel less homesick I chose to make him a Swiss themed meal. The Swiss like cheese, right? So I went all out and made this lovely composition of amazing dishes, which up to this day make my mouth water. On the menu was an Emmentaler Leek soup, Cheese on Pumpernickel, the obligatory fondue (which was suggested by the most expensive cheese monger in town) and -of course- blueberry cheesecake for dessert. With everything set – the following series of events happen: Kiss left, kiss right, “Hello”, beautiful flowers exchange hands, sit down at candlelit dining table, serve the first course, date says “I am Lactose intolerant”,………….WAIT…WHAT??? How did I pick the ONLY Swiss guy on the planet who is Lactose intolerant (I know I am just ranting – but trust me to make the faux pas of not asking what he does not eat before preparing a meal!). We ended up ordering Chinese takeaway. Long story short, we did not work out, but it was not the cheese’s fault.
Another time I had a date with a super athletic sporty type of guy. Not normally my cup of tea, but he was incredibly smart and funny, so I decided to give it a go. Unfortunately our first date was suggested by him and was a city tour on roller skates. I’m a curvy girl and maybe a little too round from all the non-sporty activities I enjoy more, like cooking and eating (and most likely all that cheese). I was still undeterred and decided to go and buy the most expensive pair of roller skates I could find to spare me from all the hard work related to skating for a whole day. I did my homework and learnt the terminology – “ABEC- the length of time the wheels roll after they have been set in motion”. On the “date”, we set off on a very lovely but hot summer’s night and I was actually doing pretty well even if I say so myself! Until I remembered that I had not yet learnt how to stop; I slap crashed banged into a parked truck, which led to a nice free trip to the hospital and a fashionable white bandaged nose for the next 3 weeks. That relationship did not work out either, but it was not the roller skates’ fault.
Recovered from my French kiss with the truck, I decided to give dating another go.
Next up was a really nice guy; He was my friend’s brother and was new in town. I was throwing a little birthday get together – we sat next to each other, the wine was plentiful and conversation was charming. As the evening progressed, we became tipsy and we lost more control of our movement coordination. Several bottles of red wine later; he was reminiscing about Karate lessons he took when he was little, just as he got to the part about the chop that would knock out the opponent – everything turned to slow motion! I still remember it as if it was yesterday! The three quarter full wine glass flew in an arch through the room, wine splattering onto my other guests, Crumpet my white terrier and on to my pristine white walls! I swear it was like a Tarantino movie! There was about a fifteen second pause where everyone was stunned into silence and frozen in their seats and then………………… the loud rupture of hysterical laughter made the whole evening complete! Tarantino would have been proud of the scene setting of my dining room! Trust me white walls and red wine seem to be very good lovers and inseparable. This event led to a massive wave of apologies, a huge bunch of flowers, a bucket of paint and a house painting date (which led to an infinite number of further dates). And this definitely -and luckily- was the wine’s fault.
So you see, even if dates don’t work out according to plan, you will still have plenty of stories to tell and maybe, one day, a rather unfortunate event can lead to an unexpected happy ending. So don’t give up after a few bad stories! To put it simply
If life gives you lemons make lemonade out of them, or better even- ask for salt and Tequila!
